humerous

All posts in the humerous category

The Porky Pie

Published November 11, 2012 by auroraangel15

 

Another car casts its light on the window, and shadows danced on Jess’s bedroom wall. She turned and glanced at her clock, the green light said 1.34pm.  

        With a sigh, Jess decided to give in; sleep was the last thing she was going to do tonight.  Easing herself out of bed, she slipped into her fluffy slippers, and walked across to her door using the lights outside as her only source of illumination. There was a slight chill on the steps as she descended, and she shivered pulling her dressing gown tighter to her body.

Turning on her kitchen light, she filled her kettle and got a cup from the top cupboard. Yawning, she stood next to the kettle listening to its light bubbling, and gazed out of her window to the street outside.

Friday nights were always busy on her estate. People coming from the pub, others coming from work, or maybe even starting. As her eyes adjusted to the scene outside, she could see the wind rustling through the trees, ripping leaves off branches and hurling them into the air. Next door’s cat sat on the gate, cleaning its face with its paws, then stopping alert, fixing its stare on the bush in front of it. It slowly climbed down, crouching as if sensing a victim near. The last thing she saw was it pouncing into the mass of branches, and out of the other side, clutching some small half-alive creature. It shot across the road, disappeared into a hole in the fence, and was gone.

The click of the kettle told her it finished boiling. She put the water in the cup, and prodded the teabag with a spoon, then pushing it against the side of the cup; she squeezed out the last dregs of tea from its bag. Tossing it in the bin, she then added some milk, and sat at the kitchen table in silence, savoring the warmth of the tea as it seeped into her stomach. She jumped when she heard the noise, spilling some of her tea on her dressing gown; she frowned as went to the front door, easing it open slightly, and peering out into the darkness.

It took a while for her eyes to adjust to the dimness, but soon shapes, and images began to form, and she glanced down the path that lead to the street.

‘Sorry lass, did I disturb you?’

She strained her eyes again trying to focus on the shadow that was standing over the garden wall to her left.

‘I was just putting the rubbish out, if not the missus gets a little riled.’

Suddenly next-doors security light casts a beam on the shadow, and Jess recognised Burt, he elderly neighbour.

‘Sorry Burt, I heard a noise, it scared the living daylights out of me.’

‘It was just me lass, I couldn’t sleep, I would have left this till tomorrow, but my missus likes a clean house.’

He stuffed the bag into the bin, and closed the lid with a thud.

‘ Did you hear the fire engine earlier, nearly woke the whole neighbourhood up, bet its them damn kids stealing cars, and setting them alight, should be made to do conscription. The army would sort them out.’ I smiled back at him, and opening the door a little wider, I stepped out onto my front step.

Burt was leaning against the wall, and I saw him put his hands into his pockets, and pull a crinkly paper bag out.

‘The estate was much better when I first moved here; you knew your neighbours, and you helped one another.’

He lifted something to his mouth, and took a bite, crumps dropping onto the front of his cardigan. He held it up to the light to show me.

‘The doctor says my cholesterol is way too high, says I have to cut down on fats. Never heard anything so stupid, I have eaten this food all my life, never had any problems. But the missus is worried, so I am eating like a flipping rabbit.’ As he lifted the object in the light, I realised it was a pork pie, I could see the grisly meat protruding out from where he had bitten it, the greasy sheen on its crust. He took another mouth full, licking crumbs from his lips.

‘ I have a hidden stash, keep it in my hut, then I sneak out at night when she’s asleep, and have a little nibble.’ He smiled, and winked.

Waiting for me to reply, he took another bite savouring his secret treat.

‘A man has to have something filling, and wholesome to eat, if I keep eating the muck she wants me to eat.’ He points up to his front bedroom.

‘They will be carrying me off in my coffin.’ He chuckled.

Jess smiled, and nodded her head, shuffling her feet in her slippers as the frosty night air was beginning to turn them to ice.

Burt put the last piece of the pie in his mouth smacking his lips in appreciation, then he licked his fingers as if wanted to prolong the experience.

‘You better be getting in luv, or you will catch your death a cold.’

I again clutched my dressing gown as if agreeing with him. I quickly turned, and began to walk back to the door. Before I entered, I turned, and glanced again at the wall, and Burt. He was standing in deep thought. Was he thinking about how things had changed, or was he trying the savour the last taste of the pork pie on his tongue.

I closed the door gently behind me, making sure it was locked. I went back to the kitchen to finish the cup of tea. The tea was cold, a thin skin had formed on the top. So I picked the cup up, took the spoon, and scraped the slimy layer off the top, plopping it into the bin. I poured the remaining cold tea down the sink, leaving the cup on the side, angry that I had wasted the tea. I reached to turn the light off and slipped  up the stairs. Once in my bed, I snuggled beneath the covers, and waited for sleep to claim me.